Life

This post is a ponder post and I have been pondering and thinking about a lot of different things. Mostly just life itself. I've been asking myself so many questions that I cannot answer. Life is such an amazing thing when you think about it. It's just so incredible to really think about your life from the past to the future, to sit and think about the things you've done and the things you hope to do. Life is the one thing that seems so hard yet is so easy. It's easy to live, but difficult to go on. We are taught that we can do hard things and the fact that I am here, that you are, is proof of that. Life is a hard thing, but we are so lucky and so blessed to have the things that make it easy.

I don't know my purpose in life yet. I know bits and pieces, but I'm still young and I still have a long way to go. I want to know my purpose. I want to feel that purpose in my life. I feel like I have a purpose and I know I have one, I just haven't figured it out yet. But, I'm excited for the day that it hits me. I'm excited for life, no matter how difficult it may get to go on. I just have to remember the easy things.

It's an amazing thing to think about my past life, to think about my trials and accomplishments. I love to think about how far I've already come. I've been torn down, my heart has been broken and bruised, and I've lost things that I loved. Yet here I am. I have been built up, my heart has been mended by others, and I've gained things even greater than I could have imagined. I wouldn't change my past. I wouldn't change the mistakes I made or my failures or even my sins, because I wouldn't be here without those. I wouldn't be this person that I have come to love. I know I'm not perfect and my past is not perfect, but isn't that what life is about? Not being perfect? It's about always striving to do our best even when our best can't be perfect. It's about wanting to be perfect, but accepting it when we're not. We're not meant to be perfect right now. We're meant to make mistakes, because that is what defines us. Mistakes shape us into a perfect person.

It can sometimes be a scary thing to think about your present and a lot of the time we don't want to, but I love to ponder on my present. I'm a stubborn teenager and I know this. I like to think I have more freedom than I really do. I know I'm immature still and I sometimes make stupid decisions. My mom tries to convince me that my brain isn't fully developed yet, but my brain likes to think otherwise. I'm to the point in my life where all my previous plans of the future are dead. I don't know what I want to do with my future right now. I know I want to go to college, get married, have a family, but I don't know the specifics. I'm at a very conflicted time in my life with friendships, relationships, school, hobbies, whatever it is there seems to be some kind of conflict or decision I have to make. But I'm also happy. Despite the drama I may face or the stupid decisions I make, I'm still happy with who I am and where I've gotten in my life. I know I have a long ways to go, but for now I'm happy.

The future can be something that just hurts your brain to think about. I'm excited for my future. I'm excited for the new friends I'll make, the relationships I'll be in, the things I get to experience and accomplish. There's a lot to be excited for. I just want to be older. I just want to experience life already. Maybe that's not a good thing to want, but I do. My future is fuzzy and the only way to clear it up is to experience it. It just sometimes comes a little slower than I wish it would.

Life is life. It can be hard and it can easy, but don't ever think it's too hard for you to handle. Don't ever take the easy road though, because the easy road is short and you'll go farther down the hard road. You'll experience more, you'll grow more, and you'll be glad you took it. Life is worth living, no matter how hard it gets. There is nothing too hard for us. We are children of the greatest being in the universe. He loves us and He would not give us a trial that was too hard to overcome. Just think.

Lie To Me: A Short Story

This is just a free write I decided to try. I haven't really written something just to write, so I thought I'd share that with you now. Hope you enjoy my...style of writing. It may not suit my personality and sometimes you would never think that me of all people would write something like this, but it's an odd thing that I love.

So, it's a very random piece I wrote. I decided to listen to a song and write what came to mind. I chose "Lie" by David Cook. To be honest, it's 1:30 a.m. right now, so this isn't my best and I sort of wrote it in a hurry to get to sleep. I didn't even try to revise any of it, but I hope you enjoy it. I just love being able to write what comes to mind. I guess I'm a strange writer, because I don't write from past experiences, I don't normally take my own emotions and put them into my writing. I just write to write and I let my thoughts flow onto paper. In all honesty, it's just a story thought up on the spot with a little inspiration from this song. Leave your comments.

Here's the song.

LIE TO ME

I roll onto my side and glance towards my bedroom window where light starts to creep through the curtains. I lay there for a moment with my eyes open and my heavy comforter only covering my legs. Single thoughts slip in and out of my mind of what I should eat for breakfast or what I should wear for the day. Eventually I get bored and sit up, breathing in deep and running my fingers through my messy curls.

Within twenty minutes I'm downstairs dressed in my skinny jeans and a light v-neck t-shirt with my curls touched up and light makeup drawn expertly onto my face. I could tell from the moment I woke up that everyone was already gone. The house was too quiet for anyone to even be breathing, so I grab an apple and head out the door, slinging my backpack over one shoulder. My car is already heated from the morning sun and my favorite band starts running through the speakers.

It takes me just seven minutes to reach the high school. As I pull into the half full parking lot, I catch a glimpse of my brother Cory sitting on the grass near the side doors. Of course I know he's waiting for me and he gives me a slight wink as I drive by, pulling into the parking space nearest to him. He's at my door before I even have a chance to unbuckle. By the time I step out of the car he has slung my backpack over his shoulder--the other one already occupied by his own--and has his elbow ready to escort me to class.

"Ready for another day, Princess Beth?" He asks me with a slight British accent. Princess has always been his nickname for me since I was born.

Cory is just eleven months older than me. He was held back in first grade, because it took him longer to talk than most kids. So, we're in the same grade and I suppose that's why we're so close. Our parents forced us to bond more than regular siblings by sticking us in most or all of our classes throughout middle school. By high school we chose to be in the same classes. We're both Juniors this year. Cory is more into the clubs though. I never really fit in anywhere specific. I let myself just roam differently every year. We're the only kids in our family and our parents work most of the day, so we're on our own a lot of the time. We survive. Cory is definitely over protective of me and makes sure all of my needs are met. He's my best friend and I'm his.

My day turned out to be pretty uneventful. I had two classes with Cory, first and fourth period. My other two seemed to drag on longer than usual. I was relieved to lace my arm through Cory's as he escorted me back to my car after school. He normally walks to school and gets a ride home with me.

"I think I'm going to stick around a little bit longer. There's a teacher I need to talk to. I'll run by the grocery store on my way home and pick something up for dinner. My phone is dead, so don't worry about calling me." Cory hands me my backpack and opens my door.

"Okay, just make sure you're back by four o'clock. Seriously, Cory, I'll call the cops if you're five minutes late this time." I give my brother a slight wink as I climb into my car and roll down my window as I shut my door.

Cory laughs, "You can call the cops if I'm not home by 3:45. Take a pill, Beth."

"Love you, too." And with that I'm gone from the school.

By 3:55 I'm nervous. Cory's been late before, but it rarely happens. I'll admit, I might be just as protective of my brother as he is to me, but we were sort of raised that way. We always joke about calling the cops on each other, but by 4:35 I'm getting a little scared. I wait another fifteen minutes before I get into my car and drive back down to the school. About half way there I'm waved to a detour road by a police officer. Up ahead I can see a few cop cars and an ambulance with their lights flashing. I take the detour road and get to the school. A few teachers' cars still sit in the parking lot. I roam around the school for a bit, checking in on Cory's teachers, but all of them were already gone. I decide to go back home and see if Cory is back yet. I might have missed him when I took the detour.

By the time I get through at the school it's almost six o' clock. On my way home I have the radio turned to a news station. A story relates about a drive by shooting that happened near my high school. I assumed that that's what I must have hit when I had to take the detour. These stories don't seem to affect me as much anymore. They happen all too often in our area. None have come as close to the high school or our neighborhood, so that was a little shocking, but I didn't think too hard on it.

I'm confused when I pull into the driveway and I see a couple cop cars parked outside of our house. Both Mom and Dad's cars are sitting in the garage. That was strange. They didn't get off work until late tonight. Mom steps out onto the porch as I get out of the car.

"Beth, where have you been?" She sounds distressed and a little frightened. I notice her cheeks are streaked with tears. Mom isn't someone to cry.

"I went to see if Cory was still at the high school. He said he would be back by four. What's with the cops...?" And then it hit me. Cory would have made it back by four. He hit the same scene that I did, but much sooner and in a different way. There was always a part of me that knew when I took the detour, when I heard the news story, when I say my parents' cars.

"Never mind. I don't want to know. Cory was going to pick up something for dinner, but I guess he forgot. I've got some homework to do, so I'll be in my room." I locked my car and went through the backyard so that I wouldn't have to pass by my mom or face any cops. A ladder rested right below my bedroom window and I climb up it. As soon as I get into my room I lock the door and close my curtains. Then, I open my backpack to start on my homework.

A half hour later there's a small knock at my door, "Beth? Can we talk? The police are gone now."

I stand up and open my door, letting my mom in. She sits on the edge of my bed while I take a seat back at my desk where I left my homework. Her cheeks are still streaked with tears.

"What is it? What did you want to talk about?" I continue my homework while talking.

My mom sounds desperate, "Beth, I guess you really don't know what happened."

Her words instantly cause me to crumble out of my chair and crawl to my mom, shaking. Tremors run through my entire body and I cling to her. I scream for what seems like forever as the pain of my shattered heart pours through me. My breathing is sharp and my vision starts to darken.

"Mom, just lie to me, please. Just tell me that everything is going to be alright. I just need to get through tonight."

My mom tries to comfort me by running her fingers through my hair or placing her hand on my shoulder, but both give me little peace. Her words are sobs and it takes her longer to speak than it should.

"It's going to be alright, Beth." She lets out a small cry and quickly leaves the room.

My tears run dry and eventually my body feels worn and drained. I get dressed and climb into bed, leaving my homework undone. My eyelids are heavy and I allow them to close. My thoughts start to fade and my mind begins to darken.

I don't plan on waking up, because it's going to be alright for tonight. As long as I don't wake up, it's still tonight.

Happy Birthday Emily!

So, today is the 17th birthday of my very bestest friend Emily!!! Oh gosh, I love her more than anything. She is so beautiful and talented and I am so lucky to have her as my best friend and sister. She is such an incredible example to me and I have no idea where I'd be without her. Sure, we sometimes get in little arguments, but that's what sisters do right? ;) I hope she knows how much I love her. Have a wonderful birthday Emily! You truly are my best friend. Love you tons! Here's your birthday present. 

I LOVE YOU EMILY!!!! :D <3

The Breakup

My brother and his friends filmed a commercial for a contest. Follow the link and vote! I'm an actress an it ;)
http://thecreativechallenge.org/pdetail/the-breakup/

The Human Influence

We live in a world with hundreds of influences both good and bad. Some build us up while others break us down. There are worldly influences, spiritual influences, unseen influences, seen influences, strong influences, weak influences, tangible influences, intangible influences, and the list goes on and on. One of the most important influences is the "Human Influence". We are all human and we all have a chance to influence someone. We give people a chance to learn from us, to be comforted by us, to be strengthened by us and we influence someone whether we realize it or not. The definition of an influence is "the capacity or powers of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behaviors, opinions, etc., of others". We can influence someone by our words, our actions, or even just our presence.

There are many who have influenced my life and I'm sure most of them haven't even realized that they have. They either told me something that I needed to know, inspired me to make a difference, or made me see what life is really about. I have been broken by some, but that gave another the opportunity to build me up. Without one, there cannot be the other. We must have people there to break us, because then we may be fixed. They break our weakest parts, the parts that need to be strengthened the most. It's sometimes better to fix something from scratch, because then you lessen the chance of making a mistake. So those that break us are really doing us a favor. It may be painful, but the renewal process is worth the scars and bruises.

My bestest friend and "sister", Emily, influenced me a lot this year. She taught me that there is always something better. When we think we have something great and we lose it, it is to give us the chance to find something even greater. She taught me that it's important to not let things, both big and small, come between a friendship. It's better to resolve things sooner than later.

My very best friend, Cougar, taught me I can make a difference just by listening. He taught me that my past is meant to be a tool to influence those who come into my life. He influenced me and motivated me to be the friend I had always wanted to be last year. He showed me that I can change a life just by bringing a friend on a drive around town. He taught me that we all go through something, but that something happens for a reason. It happens so that we can be a better and stronger influence in someone else's life.

My friend, Holly, taught me that there will always be someone out there who knows exactly how you feel and you have to be open and willing to listen, otherwise you won't find that someone. She also taught me that there is no such thing as an unlikely friend. You will always find something to love in everyone.

My friend, Caden, taught me that we choose to be happy. Even though this is something I always secretly knew, he magnified this in my life. Happiness really is a choice. We choose to let something build us up or break us down and even when we slip and let something break us down, there will always be something or someone there to build us back up even stronger than before.

My friend, Austin, taught me that Christ is most important.

My friend, Riley, taught me that my past doesn't matter and that I can't let it affect my present and my future.

All of the friends that I have now taught me that there will always be people who accept me for who I am and who will always love me and be there for me and it doesn't matter who I was or what I did or what I'll even do. They taught me that the true friends go through the fire with you.

Be aware of those you influence, because you influence someone every day.